Breaker

Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

My family and I are going on a cruise in a little over a month, and I am TOTALLY freaking out.  I have a lot of anxiety issues that I try to keep hidden but as we are getting closer, they are all exploding! Let me tell you some of the things I am worried about.

First, our cabin is 170 sq ft.  For 4 people! Um, what? That is going to be so cramped.  Also, there is only one queen sized bed in that tiny space, and one couch/chair hybrid that folds out into a bed that is somewhere between a twin and a full.  Where is everyone supposed to sleep? Also, I guess this means sex is out of the question, and how unfair is that?  I mean we are on vacation, and we are gonna be doing a little drinking, and I am basically starving myself until then so I can feel good about myself in my swim wear.  Let’s be honest, the drinks also help with the feeling weird in the swimwear, which also leads to me wanting to rip my husbands trunks off and be on top for once without feeling bad about my saggy stretched out belly skin.  So, yea, I am super concerned about these tight quarters! I mean mostly because I want to make sure my family gets a good nights sleep, and not about the sex. Eh, who am I kidding, I mostly concerned about the sex.

Next, falling overboard.  Am I supposed to be wearing some sort of flotation device at all times?  When I look at the picture, none of the beautiful, skinny, tan people are wearing life vests.  I don’t think I want to be the only weirdo wearing a full safety vest set up while sitting on the pool chair reading a book.  I know you are probably thinking that is crazy, I don’t have to wear that, and falling overboard would never happen, but I am seriously clumsy AND unobservant to what’s going on around me.  I mean I walk through my office with my face in my phone or computer to get stuff done while heading to my next meeting, and there have been some collisions, including a particularly embarrassing face plant into an all glass conference door.  I for sure would be the person looking out into the horizon, trying to stretch to see something cool, and then topple over the side. And I don’t know this for a fact, but I feel like that would be death. Falling that far into the OCEAN and it would for sure be a belly flop, which would cause me to break my neck.  So basically I am paying money to go on my death-cation.

Also, motion sickness.  What is it going to feel like on this big, massive boat?  I read about where you should stay if you are afraid of motion sickness, which is in the bottom.  That is where the ship’s stabilizers are, and you should feel the least amount of turbulent water.  But, I mean, come on! The bottom of the boat? I watched Titanic. I know if this puppy goes down, I’m screwed being down there.  Also, we are talking about 170 square feet of room! At least with the rooms with verandas that gives us a little more space with a balcony.  I think claustrophobia would set it if I was down there. Bottom of the boat is out of the question, so what options does that leave me? Dramamine?  I heard that makes you super sleepy, which would then lead to more not paying attention, and a definite nose dive into the dark oceanic abyss. The motion sickness bands?  I read the package, and there is no medication on it. It’s just a nub poking into your wrist, what kind of witch craft is that? I know people swear by them, but I have also read the emperor’s new clothes, and I feel like calling bullshit on that.  I might as well just dust off my nike exercise wrist bands and sport those.

Now, the big one, and I have already mentioned it.  The swim wear. Ugh, this part is going to be the worst.  I have a love hate relationship with eating healthy and working out.  I love the working out, but hate getting to the gym and finding the time to do it.  I love vegetables and lean protein, but I hate not being able to have chocolate, pasta, ice cream, bread, butter, and more bread.  So you can see the struggle I’ve got going on. I have been working out though, and again I have something in my sights for motivation, which is great.  But let’s be honest, this body is never going to look like Gretchen next to me who is 24, with everything perfectly in place, with not one stretch mark, and is wearing a bikini that if she were on the bachelor would just be two big black boxes.  I have to compete with women that are not appropriate for national television! And I realize this isn’t a competition, but it is extremely intimidating! I looked for the cruise ship geared toward mid thirty to fifty year olds with at least two children, and are a good 20 pounds overweight, but Celebrity Cruise doesn’t offer that ship, not even Disney Cruise has that option.

All in all, I am excited about having a vacation with my family.  I am panicking about a few things, but if I am drinking from a glass that is half full, I would say we are going to be out having so much fun, we won’t even be in our room to notice how small it is.  I would also say I will be on alert to not get too close to the side rail to put myself in a compromising, fall overboard, type of position. Also, if I get sea sick and start puking and losing my appetite, all the better for my “looking good in my swimwear” situation!  Also, and most important, they do have some kid club activities, so if we time it just right, I am sure I will get to have my way with my husband and not feel guilty because the kids will probably be doing something cool!

But, hey, if you have any suggestions I am all ears!  Especially if you know of any cruises that don’t allow anyone onboard that wears a bikini instead of a tank-kini. (you know what I mean!)

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Colleen Lieberstein

Colleen Lieberstein, Executive Administrative Assistant, is the heartbeat at two award winning and fastest growing companies in the Chicagoland area. She lives in New Lenox with her two energetic kids, and her supportive husband. Colleen loves to read, play with her children, and go on adventures with her family. Exploring new places and eating new foods is the best.

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