New Year’s resolution, a year in review, actually… a decade in review. That’s what I am seeing all over my news feeds. I see that some are saying it sucked! I saw a meme with a bag of stinky garbage kicking 2019 to the curb! And then there were others rejoicing in all that the 10’s had to offer! Feeling the peaks and valleys like….break-ups, divorces, weddings, proposals, engagements, the bachelor, RHW drama, politics, fighting, loving, babies, magic, dreams…..the “ups and downs of life”. Did you feel that roller coaster? The “get back up and start it all again” years. The “try harder next year” motto.
So let’s talk about the “ROARING 20s” we are heading into! Do you have big plans? Do you have dreams? My reflection of the teens netted me here with one true question and one true answer!
Did I give it my all?
The answer is no!
I didn’t do all that I could! I didn’t fulfill all that I am. I left a burning and yearning inside me. I let the decade go by and didn’t do “It”!
Don’t get me wrong, I did a lot! Mom, wife, sister, daughter, daughter in law! Director, Senior Director, VP, SVP, VP again, SVP again. I had a total of 9 different titles and roles in this one decade! Each one exciting, challenging and stressful in its own right. We were building a company. Going from employee number 20 to having over 700 employees. It was an amazing ride and one that I think about all the time. I started my dream job, became #mamabear, helped build a company, found and coined my Lamb Lessons with my young teams, became a leader and mentor and eventually quit my dream job to grow my lobster shell! What a crazy ride. I feel fortunate to have had the opportunities I had in this last decade and I definitely learned a ton! I learned I’m strong and resilient. I’m passionate when I believe in something. And I am determined to not let myself sit in my comfort zone. I dreamed a million dreams, including starting a blog #hustlemomhustle. This journey has been one of the most rewarding ones because it gave me these amazing women as my tribe! I found my footing after my son had 3 open heart surgeries in the prior decade and we were onto our “new normal”. Exploring all of the “new” parts of me that were revealed after the battle for my son! You don’t know what you are capable of until you see a loved one suffering, especially your child. I learned to fight in the same breath that I learned to be more grateful for each breath! It has truly been an evolution of me! And on the other end, I found an even stronger woman and a new voice.
I cried a million tears, laughed a million laughs, cried a million more tears, lost my mother, wrote my memoir, let go of some pain, and kissed my babies. Losing a parent is never an easy chapter. And I would say it’s even harder if the relationship was flawed and bruised as ours was. So much left undone. So much floating. I have books and chapters needing to be closed that I didn’t even know were open. And I am still muddling my way through some of that. I recently caught my breath in the kitchen this holiday season, taken by tears while cutting vegetables. I was so bewildered and unsure of the source and how quickly it took me over. There are so many moments that take your breath away unexpectedly. Breathe, wipe your tears, gather yourself….repeat!
I cherished the magic! Oh the amazing magic of becoming Santa and then I said goodbye to being Santa (that one crushed my soul a little and is still tender from this year!)
I went through a million roller coasters of fitness and wellness. Each step trying to make the next one “stick”. I kicked my butt literally with some CrossFit, became a runner, tried to meditate, and gained and lost too many pounds to count. Ah, the endless journey of fitness and wellness will continue into the next decade!
I wrote a book about my heart journey and my son’s amazing wonder, explored my fears and tried to conquer a few. I stood on my first stage with sweaty palms and looked out over an audience to deliver my first speech. With this I conquered a lobster goal from the previous year and set some new goals for the next year.
But as I explore it all and go back to my first question, “Did I give it my all?” I know there’s more of me to give! There’s more of me to challenge! There’s more….
So…. I’m thankful for another day! I’m afraid and I’m doing it anyway! As I look to this decade I am experiencing true anxiety for the first time and know it’s good for me!
I’m taking leaps! Why not? It’s leap year! It’s LEAP YEAR! (The signs, ohhhhhh, the signs!) I’ve never felt like I had more here pushing me toward my goals than now! I’ve got plans and I need to hold myself accountable! This past year I opened my eyes and heart and listened to all the signs! “Are you made for more? Are you following your true path? Is this your full potential?“ These messages were all around me! Thanks to Rachel Hollis, Mel Robbins, Dan Harris, David Goggins…. to name a few. I can say every day I would see so many messages and they were truly haunting me in the most majestic way! Awakening my heart to know I didn’t give it my all! And I needed to push myself further.
11/11 is known for a sentiment of “make a wish”. I was born on 11/11 and have been making this wish every time I see these numbers on a clock for over 45 years! WHOA! Maybe that’s part of this… aging and exploring what that means.
So I am making a wish and using my 2020 vision to explore this burning inside me to “do something more”. I am going to stop being afraid. (I may need some encouragement. My knees are knocking as I write this) I am going to share my journey and be vulnerable (Brene Brown). Actually posting this post will be one of the scariest things I have done so far!
This is the most important and scariest moment of this entire post. Because it is true fear to be this vulnerable. But this next chapter requires that I share where I have been. Where it all began and what I had to overcome to get here. The image of me writing my memoir is swirling in my head as I type that. It came flowing out of me when my mother passed away. It wrote itself through the blurry tear filled eyes that tried to type as fast as the moments came back to me. Reliving some of them was well, I can’t even begin to explain it. They had been locked away deep in the vault of courage that I tried to stand on to push myself to make a different life. And as I explored the memories and recounted the moments, it all began to explain who I am today. It answers “the why” I had to find glitter and positivity to replace the pain and suffering. I am going to share how I was able to “wring out my sponge” and choose a different path than the one I was shown. Taking my “glitter” from each day and storing it away to create a glistening of light when the darkness would come. Replaying the glitter from a day, the sparkly moments that made your heart soar, and pushing the negative replay and self talk completely out of my brain so I could build a better life. And in the end live my better dream!
It’s the scariest thing I have ever written. The commitment above to try to be this authentic and vulnerable. But I believe in the power of sharing and healing each other. I believe that we are moving into a world where we are sharing the fake and not the real and creating personas and not humans. I believe we need to reconnect the pieces of our human selves so that when we are suffering we have somewhere to turn.
So, I am going to take that strength and try. I am going to try to share and listen to you sharing in return. That is the most exciting part and is the fuel. I truly want to hear about you. Your journey and your path. And I want to build a better world. The power of one person setting a course to make a difference. We each have that power! I want a world where we are all more connected for my children. I want to hear us talking and sharing and talking again. And with 2020 vision I am trying to charter this course for myself. I may stumble along the way, but isn’t that life? Life is a series of stumbles and climbs. It is a series of jumping for joy and crying out with pain. You were made to share your journey! Share your story and help someone through the storm! And I have to start with me.
Please share if you read this and any part of it resonated with you. It’s scary to share the real, but if we start together, we can make something amazing happen. I believe that!