Okay, storytime. I was in the car the other morning on my way to see my mom. It wasn’t a specific appointment I had to be at, but I did say I would be there by 9, and it was already 9:03. So, I am on the highway, annoyed with myself for being late, and getting even more annoyed with the slow-moving semi-truck in front of me.
I am running late because I was working. I was supposed to be taking time off. Still, I am being OCD and checking emails, internal messages, and double-checking the calendar. Irritated for being my most significant failure of the work\life balance issue I seem to be constantly facing. Side note, someone at an event once told me I put the extra stress and work commitment on myself. I take it all on! Basically, I martyr myself to the cause when no one asked me to. My office won’t spontaneously combust if I didn’t respond to the few messages in my inbox. No one is handing out awards for putting work first and everything else in a messy, dirty heap on my closet floor, which is a not so subtle analogy for all my dirty laundry.
So I am driving down the highway, lost in my thoughts of a very self-deprecating nature. I am pissed that I am late; I am mad about how stressful this time of year is for me, and instead of getting more helpful as they are getting older, my kids are becoming more self-absorbed. I am listening to Christmas music because I feel compelled to, even though I am not feeling it at all. UGH, this fucking slow truck!
I know what you are thinking; just change lanes, Colleen, simple solution. Agree! I look to my right, and there is a slow-moving vehicle, which makes sense; it’s the right lane. I look to my left, and I don’t see the car yet, but I see its shadow coming up on my blind spot. Okay, just a couple seconds and they will pass.
Negative thoughts ooze right back in. Thinking about finances and goals of 2020 that never came to fruition. I haven’t finished wrapping my gifts, and I am totally killing my holly jolly mood I need to be in when I see my mother. Give me a freaking break car to my left! Stop riding my side jock and just move past me already! I would drive past you, but I have this semi in front of me, so I can’t speed up!
Damn it, 2020! You ruin everything! Including the fact that I forgot the move the elf this morning! Mother of God, I am failing, and I am about to ram my car right into that ass hole who doesn’t know how the left lane works! AND WTF isn’t my left sensor working and indicating about this car in my blind spot???
Just then, I realization came to me. I am telling you whether you believe in a god or goddess or buddha or Jehovah or mother earth or karma, I think you receive messages in this life if you chose to be open to receive them. The car to the left of me wasn’t there; it was my own shadow. Fucking Mind Blown at that moment.
I may lose you right there with this story because maybe you are thinking I have just continued the dumb blonde mythology, or perhaps you believe that is the most ridiculous thing to cause a shift in thinking. But no, and you are an asshole if you think that, BTW.
Today is Christmas Eve, and we are going to be going in a million directions. You will have highs and lows today, tomorrow, and over the next days leading to the end of the year. Please do me a favor and take time to just breathe. Take time to let this universe teach you something. That might be through your family and friends, or maybe in a fit of road rage on the highway. Maybe you need the message I received as much as I did to get out of your own way!
After I realized I was the person slowing me down, I switched lanes, passed the semi, and put on my favorite song right now, Sunday Candy; I sang along out of tune and let go of the stress that had my shoulders shrugged in tension. I let go of some of the guilt that was weighing me down, and I gave my mom the biggest hug when I saw her. Thank you, universe, for the life lesson. Merry Christmas!